Things not to say to a thief...

Greetings, friends.

Ok, it's Blog time. Here are some things you should know:

There will be a serious commentary in this one.
It may or may not last long.
Once again, there is no prize (sorry!).
Can you spot the deliberate mistake?!
There will be some helpful hints at the end.

Well, I was burgled this week. Shocking. All my neat, cool stuff has gone, though thankfully my guitars and equipment are safe. Evidently, the crooks have no taste. So anyway, I had to talk to the police and get some kind of CSI-type guy round.

Before I continue, here is a very important tip: watching CSI and/or Columbo, or other great investigative shows, does not make you an expert. The real life crime expert will not appreciate your attempts to "help him" or point out his "mistakes" (e.g "why aren't you bagging that up and sending it to trace?!?!")

So anyway, I realised, after showing the guy round the scene, that it wasn't really the stuff that was gone that upset me; that can be replaced (although I was ridiculously angry): it was more the intrusion. There's something very unsettling about knowing that someone else has been in your personal space without your permission. I got into my bedroom to find that it'd been turned over, and my living room had been trashed. To add insult to injury, they'd even left their damn crowbar in my kitchen!

Here is a picture of some burglars' tools. From left: clamp for wacking people over the head, screwdriver for disabling doorbells... That thing in the middle is mine. That's for cutting the guy's nuts off when I find him. That's the crowbar he left in my kitchen, and those are the scissors he will be using to cut the hair of whoever's bitch he becomes in prison.

I suppose the other really disturbing thing is knowing that someone was tracking your movements for who knows how long.

This world is a lovely place as long as you are unaffected by things, but when reality bites down hard, you remember that there is alot of evil on this potentially glorious planet. Contentment is shortlived. You never know what's round the corner, but you can be certain that nine times out of ten it's not gonna be very nice. All the more reason to constantly be aware of our priorities in life. For me, it's about remembering to show that I love my family and friends, and make amends with those whom I've had silly fallouts with. You never know if someone is watching them and you never know what tomorrow will bring. Thought: what the hell would I have done if these people had still been there when I got home? Not worth thinking about.

Anyway, as burglaries go, this was the best you can hope for. No one was hurt and nothing sentimental was taken. If anyone reading this has had a similar experience, man, I'm really sorry. You are in my thoughts even though I don't know you just yet. Be safe people.
Now, on with the positives!

In thinking about what I'd do when faced with a burglar, I have come up with a few things to say/not to say. Please feel free to let me know anything you come up with. This could be fun! Vent your inner anguish on this page!

1) "Don't come a step further. I am a killing MACHINE!"
2)"You'll have to prise this TV from my cold, dead, lifeless fingers, you son of a bitch!" (perhaps said in a new york/italian accent - your best De Niro impression)
3)"Think fast! A train leaves New Jersey at 12.13 pm, travelling at 65 mph. Four minutes later, another train leaves Boston travelling at 45 mph. Each train has four carriages. At what time will they pass eachother?" (say as quickly as possible and get ready to wave your hand in front of his entranced face)
4) "You may take my things.....but you'll never take....my FREEDOM!" (said in your best Mel Gibson phoney Scottish accent)

That's a start. Give it some thought. Until next time, friends.

Mike
MFGN
xxx

P.S. There was no deliberate mistake! HA!

The horrors of late night music channel hopping.

Hi. I'm Mike. Inventor, founder and valued team member of the band My Father's Good Name. I am about to write a blog. Here are a few facts:

-It may or may not contain interesting information.
-There will be a degree of ranting & raving.
-There will NOT be a test at the end.
-You will not win a prize.
-There WILL be a "handy household hint" or "safety tip" at the end.
-You will have learned something. (not a guarantee)

I was watching TV last night, from the hours of 3 til 5 am with my friends Abi and Katy (friends/manager/tea girl - and mediocre tea at that) and it struck me that there are a lot of music videos about that feature grown men jumping over things. Apparently, this new fangled form of jumping is very popular. It's amazing. It's the "in thing". Now i don't know about you, but is this necessarily something to be impressed by?! I can jump over stuff. BUT... I can also discern what NOT to jump over. That's the clever part. That's what separates me from the animals (the jumping ones). Maybe these people who jump over a lot of things haven't quite got to this stage in human development. Or maybe they have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and putting one foot in front of the other bores them. Either way it's sad. I wonder if there's a charity I could give £2 a month to that'd help 'em out?

There is something mildly horrific about watching mind numbing music videos in the early hours. But you certainly learn a lot. And it is blog fuel my friends! I was watching a certain video with three girls dressed in yellow, singing about messing some guy around and then realising how they really feel about the poor sucker. Shaking ones moneymaker is not grounds for reconciliation in my book. But I digress. So about 30 seconds in, my eyes were bombarded with what I can only describe as a giant grey ass. Naturally, I paused the TV (with the aid of technology), grabbed my pointing stick and moved in for a closer look. And to my horror, I realised that the aforementioned posterior had been technologically enhanced! Without doubt! If you ever see it, please pause your television set and fashion your own pointing stick. Anyway, I came to this conclusion by process of elimination. I asked some pretty searching questions beforehand: Was she wearing some sort of body suit for comical effect? Was she smuggling illegal immigrants in that thing? Did she have a tragic, "won't be long before it's in a documentary" type disease? But alas, i just had to accept that in such a fickle age, her ass had been photoshopped. What an exciting time we live in. I wish someone could photoshop my ass. I'd get them to put eyes and raised eyebrows on it. Or if I were famous, I'd secure some sort of sponsorship deal for each cheek. But that might be bordering on corporate sodomy.

Still, it was an entertaining enough video. Essentially two people were walking across town trying to find each other. He jumps over a few things that get in his way. Vans, stairwells and the like; she uses more traditional means of getting about, like pavements. She sees him. He can't see her. He texts her "where r u?". "Close" she replies. The search continues......
Now, if it was me, I'd text back and say "Why don't you just tell me where you are? Why are you being so difficult and dramatic? Come to think of it, isn't that why we broke up in the first place? And why the hell didn't we just call each other and arrange a time and place to meet?! I've been walking around for ages. I could've got some stuff done today and then got a taxi later on. I've literally wasted a day. Tell you what, we'll leave it, shall we? Maybe you shouldn't have been such a bitch when we were together..."

And the moral of the story kids, is don't stay up late and watch music videos. Read a book. You'll sleep like a baby.

Mike.
xxx

Mike's Handy Safety Tip #164:
If mother says "don't touch the iron, it's hot" - the iron is in fact hot and not to be touched. Mother is not a liar and your impending burns will remind you of this.